Do serial cheaters change

Can a cheater really change, or will they just suppress this urge? All of these questions and more will be answered in this article. There are many philosophical, sociological, and philosophical explanations out there. An analysis of why people cheat in a romantic relationship was conducted through a survey of adults who have been unfaithful in their relationships.

The research identified the following 8 reasons why people cheat:. Even though we have been able to understand many of the reasons for why people cheat , cheating is still widely condemned.

Because it shakes the core of something that is considered a sacred institution, for one reason or another. So, why do people still keep doing it?

And does a cheater ever stop cheating? And, for some cheaters, even, romantic affairs may become ancient history. So, your partner cheated on you? Are you working through getting over the affair? But, are you secretly or openly hoping that they have changed because of the sheer remorse they feel?

This may not be the best idea to hold on to. Can cheaters stop cheating? Yes, and they often do so precisely because of the remorse they feel. However, this is an unhealthy basis for your future relationship. Thank you for sharing those tips. I really appreciate your input. I have a question for you if you do not mind. What did the affair process look like? I mean, was he the one who started showing interest? How did the affair evolve and what were some of the clues the wife could have seen?

How and why did it end and who ended it? Do you think during the affair started that the wife could have done things to stop it or did it need to run its course? Do you think you had different reasons for entering into it than your affair partner did? I mean, the stereotype is that men want the variety that another woman provides and that women embark on this path because their husbands cannot meet their emotional needs. Please realize I do not intend any of these questions in a demeaning way.

Thanks again for your honesty and your perspective. Your perspective is an essential part in helping to understand the hows and whys and ultimately how to strengthen all of our marriages. Once he saw me, he was covered in guilt, and must have thought that he was in too deep to ever think I would want to keep him. It shocked him, when he saw I chose to fight for him. He even told me, that I had now made it harder for him, because I chose to fight. I did try and leave several times, out of sheer frustration and emotional exhaustion, yet my h would stop me each time.

The only time it stopped, was when we had moved, but it took another four months before he did tell her that she had to stop, because he was not going to leave his wife and family. That was because he knew that one day he would come home and see me and our children gone, I had already made arrangements for a place to stay, which he knew about, so he knew I was dead serious, at nolonger waiting for him to choose his family over her. She had actually by this time though, the day he told her to stop, she had told him that she wanted him to leave me, he told her no.

They will push the limits, until they finally have enough. FYI the Ow in my H life had tons of sob stories like that. They try to get their target to feel sorry for them. That is pretty dumb on your part! Like she needs to be rescued. She knows men like that about some woman. They can be the big Hero. This chick is NO dummy. TryingHard, You make a very good point. She has suggested meeting for coffee twice and you have not answered her twice.

So, I do not believe this is a way to make in roads with us as a couple. You need to get to know Sarah. Now, if he actually has the cahones to say that, I do believe it will deter her, at least for a while. If she has any sense of shame at all, she will at least feel embarrassed. The good news is, the place where he works has shifts and different employees are rotated through different shifts constantly.

He has not worked with her for 3 weeks. But, this all came up again last week because she was emailing me again, pressing us to come for dinner. My spidey-senses say that she is a black widow waiting in the wings, planning when to pounce.

I have also noticed that she is very aggressive and opinionated and not afraid to instigate arguments. So she is not one to give up easily. The thing that works in my favor is my husband secretly hates that type of personality, but again, he is nice to everyone and makes sure to avoid conflict.

But, I am always extremely nice to her and everyone else at the office. There is no other way to be, you know? Th, those damn sob stories. Omg, they catch a man hook line and sinker. The ow that does this, definitely not stupid by any means, they know exactly what they are doing. My h would always say to me, how bad he felt for his skank, ohh the poor thing had such a horrible marriage. Ohh boy, it must not have been that bad if she stayed with him for 20 friggin years.

Yes she left him 3 times, but why keep going back. Ohh and she also, had my h listen to one of their conversations on speaker, while she was talking to her exh. He said, ohh he spoke to her terribly. Ohhh really, well this man has just been separated from his wife and she starts having an affair with you, wtf, what do you expect this man to do and say to her, while his emotions are running high.

I said and by the way, she did the wrong thing, putting her exh on speaker phone, because she only did that, so out of all the conversations you hear of them talking, she puts the one on that has him get angry on. Honestly, talk about blinders being on. She knew what she was doing and she played it to the hilt. It is even more heartless that she was attempting to make an innocent woman and her children homeless just so she could conveniently have someone else pay for her kids and bills.

Just terrible. Unfortunately Sarah, she wanted my life, she left her h, was seeking divorce, and used my h to help her anyway she could. Even to drag him down, and then to continue to drag him down the longer he kept seeing her. She believed he was only with me because if the children, because she was so wonderful, why would he stay with the wicked wife, unless for the children. When she realised that she was losing her grip on him, she decided to tell him, that she would be happy to raise his children, so he could have them with him.

She figured that way, he would have no contact with me, he would not need to give me child support, yet I would have to give him child support instead, so her little pocket stays full of money. She then would be able to keep a track of what he spends on his kids. If that would have happened, should would have had my husband, my children, and my home as well as business we established together.

I would have had nothing. I would not have been able to cope if she had succeeded in having him take my children as well. He used to tell me she was not very smart, she needed help with everything. Little did he realise, that is exactly what she wanted him to think. She was very smart and cunning with how she played him, she fed him her sob stories, and then he thought she was such a poor thing, she knew he would start telling her things.

By the time he was ripe for the picking, she knew all she needed to do was get him by himself, where I would not be any where near him, and that was getting him to pay for her ticket to see her family, he feel for it, paid for her ticket, unknown to me, and that was it. She played with his head, her family played with his head, next thing I know he was losing his mind, and telling me on his arrival from his trip, that he nolonger loves me. You could have knocked me over with a feather, as it was the last thing I expected.

I did know there was something wrong as after a week of his trip, which was the time she arrived to see her parents, he was being cold and uncaring, which before she got there, he was calling, telling me he loved me, missed me asking about his children etc, then a change just like that. Me wondering wtf I had done.

Just a whole heap of mind games. Strength, This really is a terrible story and I am so sorry you have had to go through it. It is a good thing he came to his senses for many reasons. But, I can bet you money that if he would have left to be with her, just being with her would be a hell worse than anything Dante could have imagined. His AP sounds unstable and emotionally abusive.

He should be thanking his lucky stars that you fought hard for his soul and won it. I am fine, I knew along time ago, that she must have had an eye on my h, just by the rumours her h apparently spread about her. Her h not wanting her anywhere near my h. So for someone that was so smitten though with my h, and expressed to him that she had loved him her whole life, she certainly dropped him from her life for two decades, and she found it so easy to do so. Until she finally needed that sucker to hold her hand, as she had finally decided to walk away from her h, and go for a divorce, unfortunately she decided to target my h, after I had told her that he had helped out several cousins, that that was the only reason they called him, and nagged him when they needed something from him.

Yet he still helped out. I guess, I gave her the ammunition she needed to get my h to help her, and potentially leave his family for her. I never even remembered that conversation we had until a while after the ea came to light. All the pieces just started to fit together nicely. So in a way it was my fault for giving her what she needed, to get her hooks into him.

So, I think now, he sees, there is no more helping relatives, unless it is both our immediate families, because they just used him, each one he had helped. The woman I hired and fired was not the AP. I hired her as my assistant but she did everything but assist me. She only wanted to answer to the men. I caught onto her very early. I warned my husband but she was relentless so I fired her and am glad I did.

I have another assistant who is perfect and keeps her mouth shut and does her work. I can smell that shit a mile away. The poor chick I fired was getting divorced, desperate, and broke. Well she was also very stupid because once I saw it and her ineptitude she was gone. Ok fair warning here. The OW he had the affair with was everything my husband found abhorrent as well. She was a nosy buddy, gambler, drinker and very loud.

He hates all that in men and women and yet….. Well you know. These types do not scare off just because you two pronounce your happy marriage. Matter of fact it makes him that much more appealing. Any information gives her power. He HAS to give her the cold shoulder.

She will think because he wants her to get to know you that he wants to socialize with her. She will misread and interpret everything to suit her. Ignore her, both of you. She does not want your friendship. She wants your life. Th, exactly, any attention given by the h just makes her misread his intentions for her own good. Total ignoring is needed, no socialing of any kind. She has to see that he has no interest in her, but his own family.

All I can say, was my h was a sucker…. For her crap. Certainly got the part that the assistant you hired was not the OW. What I was blown away by was that your assistant, who you hired, would come in and attempt to pull him in to something. You hired her, she was your assistant, and yet it seemed she had designs on your H and she did not attempt to hide it.

Talk about disrespecting an employer! It blows my mind. So, to me there is absolutely no ambiguity as to her intentions and that is what I needed to see. You are right that she does not want my friendship, but wants my life. It is what I had suspected all along. I will never understand it, but I do realize such people exist and we have to keep one eye open at all times rather than lulling ourselves into a sense of false security. I learned this hard lesson years ago when I lost my fiance to his affair partner prior to the wedding.

He had been having an affair under my nose and I had no idea. The engagement ring, the fact that we worked at the same company on the same floor, the fact that we seemed to have an excellent relationship in all areas, and the fact that we owned a home together had lulled me into a false sense of security.

After going through that experience, I am now keenly aware that it is possible— even if a relationship appears to be wonderful. As for the parking lot confrontation, do you prefer a nice chianti, a chardonnay, or perhaps a nouveau beaujolais? I know which wine goes best with a slab of steak, but, for a slab of butt-kicking, not so much.

Well everyone, just over two years ago, I probably though we would never have made it to this day, that was when the ea had started. It was a beautiful time, but you know that was as tainted as they come, of a wedding anniversary. So fast track to now, today we are celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary!!!!!! Yet today is the day. So 23 it is….. Who would have thought after such a nightmare, that we could have pushed through for another two years under our belt of huh hmmm marital bliss.

That is the last two years of nightmare marital bliss. None the less, here we are, still fighting our way through all the crap the ea has thrown at us, and surely but slowly, seeing the fruits of all our hard work. So skanky breathe, this is to you. You may have caused a lot of trouble trying to break a family, but let me tell you this. You did not succeed in breaking us, you did not know who you were up against, that was your biggest mistake, not knowing who your opponent was, you thought you knew, but you had no idea.

You made a mistake at thinking that I would think like you, but you were wrong. You thought you knew my h, but that was another one of your mistakes, you tried to change him to suit what you wanted, you thought he would think like you. You may have gotten into his head for a little whole, but you thought you needed to ruin a good man to end up getting your way.

Huge mistake….. Thankyou for showing my h, never to trust anyone again, especially relatives like you. SR, congrats on the anniversary. I hope the next 23 years are the best ever! Thankyou very much Doug, I think my h has come a long way, since dday.

It could have turned out so different. Thankfully he finally opened his eyes. We still have some recovery work to do, I still am so very embarrassed about what happened, but I think the ow can be more embarrassed about chasing a married man, trying to break a family, and not letting go of him when he made a decision to stay with his family.

I think we both have learned from this, it was difficult, still is, but I am hoping he has learned more from what he almost lost because of the ea, so it never happens again. Lol Honestly to think that was our darkest moment, and we can say, we got through to the other side, a stronger couple. He had told me he had stopped speaking with the ow, but the week we moved, I heard their telephone conversation one night as he came home in his car, as I waited. I saw a few days later a donation that he had made, not from him and I, but for him and his ow, because that was what she wanted.

She had arranged it, and had placed them down as h and w, but using her first name and our surname. Then I saw his phone records, and it was for hours on end, every time he left home, he was on the phone, every time he was in his car, he was on the phone with her, every spare time he had, it was talking, or texting her.

He would get off the phone with me, then be straight on the phone with her. Then I found here, in my despair. I felt so alone, I felt she had finally got her way, then I read others post, some of the blogs, and everything just made more sense. You and Linda, gave me hope that we could make it, that month my h stopped his contact, after he knew I was done. Congratulations on reaching your 23rd wedding anniversary!! I agree with your h, 23 NOT No wins for the other woman, and 23 it is for you and your husband!

I am so happy that you two have come out the other side even stronger. They say that in the fire, the gold is separated from the dross. Your marriage endured the proverbial fire and it has come out as pure gold. May you have many more years together, growing together, and may your husband continue to recognize and show gratitude for the jewel that he has had all along.

Sarah, Thankyou very much, so sweet of you to say. Your right, while we were celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary, it would have drove her nuts, being on the other side of the phone, wondering what he was doing while with me. We took photos of the beautiful suite we were in, and I posted them on fb, lol. So she could see, how nice it was. It would have eaten her up inside, knowing that here he was celebrating our marriage, and not celebrating a separation instead with her. One thing I wanted to get out there, was not all ow have the upper hand over the wife.

They forget they mess with fire, they will get burnt. History goes along way for a wife, and a husband, we wives know everything there is to know about our husbands, and they know all there is to know about us. One thing my h always said, even through throughout his ea, I was the only person he can trust, he does not trust anyone else.

I believe the talk between the affair partners about how miserable their lives are with their spouses is a vital conversation to justify the affair. They are unhappy in the marriage because of X,Y, z, whatever the made up excuse is to justify doing something they know is wrong.

It becomes part of the vernacular of the affair. They start to rewrite and make up alternative histories to excuse their behavior. I often wonder what my H OW thinks now that the affair is over, they no longer communicate and he is back home with is seemingly horrible wife.

He was miserable and she was a cold hearted bitch. Someone here put it very succinctly.. Are they unhappy in their marriage so they had an affair or are they unhappy in their marriage because they are in an affair? For most I believe they have something lacking in their own character and it makes then easy prey for an affair. They are however getting something from the affair that satisfies a need.

I mean who really wants to be with someone who is always complaining and continues to live in such a seemingly miserable existance if all their complaints about their spouses are true. You cannot tell me that one person really believes that cheating is ok. I think for many cheaters it just becomes part of who they are. I guess these would be the hard core cheaters, the incorrigibles.

So SR to answer your question. Yes your husband fell for cousin Its sob story because he had to in order to justify the affair. Your husband is NOT one of the incorrigibles. The spouses inability to have personal boundaries and their commitments to their primary relationships. Cousin It definitely has character flaws and why he would choose to hook his wagon up to that should make you want to look more closely at your husbands own flaws and weakness not the weakness in your marriage.

This is the difficult aspect to deal with. Marriages only exist because of the level of respect and commitment each partner has for the other. Now all of us here have decided for one reason or another to continue to leave our wagons hooked to people who obviously have deep character flaws. Why on earth we do it speaks volumes about who we are. We do it for many reasons, most of which are good.

I just think we impede our own personal growth by only placing the blame on the OW. Congrats on your anniversary. Yes take those 23 years. Do not give one single day to cousin It and her selfishness and meanness. She is no more than shit on the bottom of your shoe but always be aware there are many people out there just like her waiting to pounce.

Just like the idiot assistant I hired. I smelled that shit show and closed the curtain on her! One point for the good guys! I have copied and pasted your questions with answers below. But here goes:. Q: What did the affair process look like? A: I remember liking him as soon as I met him. I was new to the job and he was a tease and a flirt. They feel untouchable: Because men are often in power, they feel that the law is in their hands.

They are not afraid of the consequences of their action. Or they think they can get away with breaking some rules, even in marriage. But a lot of men are too, even though they may seem simple. His ego tells him he should always come first.

When he feels his needs are not given priority, he looks for someone or becomes vulnerable to someone who will give him just that. More From Thought Catalog. Serial cheaters have a lot of experience getting others to trust them. They know how to use their charm in order to win people over pretty easily. As Tina B. Tessina, aka Dr.

Romance, psychotherapist and author of Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences , tells Bustle, if your partner says what you always want to hear, be careful. No matter how uncomfortable the conversation will be, one-time cheaters will tell you the truth of what happened. They'll even put in the effort to help your relationship overcome this rough spot. Serial cheaters may be quick to distract you, but "[t]ake it as a red flag," she says.

But more importantly, they will do their best to prove to you that they're going to be faithful moving forward. When a serial cheater is caught, they will look for different ways to justify their behavior.

According to Graber, "applying an armchair diagnosis," such as "a fear of commitment" or a "sex addiction" is an easy way for them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Unless they legitimately have a problem they're seeking treatment for, this may not be true.

One-time cheaters, if they're truly remorseful, will own up to their mistakes. As relationship expert and author April Masini tells Bustle, serial cheaters are used to cheating.